So, Im in a relationship of 3 years and I got diagnosed earlier this year with RRMS. I was in the hospital for a week and my bf stayed with me everyday. He is and has been incredibly supportive and there when I need him. However, lately we have been fighting because I feel he can help a little more. I have recently gotten a flare up recently and my faitgue is almost debilitating. I feel like Im pulling most of the weight because he says he is tired from work. I work full time as well, and find it difficult to even get myself to take a shower let alone go to to the bathroom cause I am just so tired. However, I still find myself doing most of the stuff around the house. Have any of you gone through this and what seemed to help?
It took me forever to learn that my responsibility was to myself first, taking care of myself first. You say you are having problems getting through to your partner, but, perhaps you are having trouble getting through to yourself and what your self needs. Just because you are doing everything doesnt mean he doesnt see what you are doing. Just because he isnt helping doesnt mean you have to do it all. Maybe he is just smart enough to see that he needs rest and the rest can wait. Or that your threshold is lower than his/or higher. We females have been bred to ???, only now are we coming into our own and realizing we are not machines. We have generations of unlearning to do. Begin with being kind to yourself.
My life with MS unknowingly up until diagnosis last Dec (finally) landed me living alone in the "perfect" place when i was finally diagnosed. I found every relationship is different. My MS diagnosis this year has cost me many of my closest friends/family relationships...i had to for MY sanity put them on hold...purely situational. It is like, why can't i get the "MS for dummies" book customed written for me!?
In my case my wife and i are about to live together again with our kids and she has my back 110% to the best of her ability. All while relearning HER self care skills. MY expectations of "her part" in MY new life with MS and changing everything about myself because of it get warped often. Fact is she is still here EVERYDAY and in that still working her butt off to have an US. Not easy!!!!! Yes, in learning MY new self care skills the ripple effect rolls right into her learning hers. From what i hear the first couple years after diagnosis is "hectic crazy"...getting from "here" where MS defines ME to "there" where MS is only a part of ME. We both get outside help from Therapists individually who work in the same office. It will not always be graceful during this infancy of MS diagnosis but i talk it through and do MY best to avoid sweating the small stuff. My fears make me overwhelmed...then i become the "center" of everything, my expectations are selfish because afterall it is NOT all about me!! It is what it is kinda acceptance. Do i wanna be happy or right!? Oh yeah, where are MY feet at this very moment?? It isn't that important today because 365 days from now i'll have a whole new set of situations that cause me fear and today's won't matter as much as they do today. Serenity Prayer stuff: God grant ME the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, ME the courage to change the things i can and ME the wisdom to know the difference!!!!
First, you should pace yourself and don't work yourself to the point you can not even move. As for him, he should praise GOD daily that he's healthy! You both need to talk about the unknowns about your MS future. You both need to know the various scenerios your MS could take you and if he can handle it. Before I got married I was diagnosed with MS. I told my fiance that she could call it off, go are seperate ways, etc. I gave her a way out. She told me that she would never leave, even if I ended up in a wheelchair. BULL *****! I had to start using a wheelchair full time, she started clubbing, cheating, and divorced me for the last guy she cheated on me with. There I was a single dad of three, but I got full custody of them! So, if your boyfriend can't handle it kick his ass to the curb! You don't need added stress!
Oh man, I agree so much with the last two sentences of this response.
Your bf didn't sign up to be in a relationship with a person who has your needs. Not everyone can be a supportive partner. That doesn't mean it's wrong for you to need what you need. Sometimes I think that relationships with the people you meet post-diagnosis are just better because those people know from the start what they are getting into.
I wish you the best.
It seems you are gettingsome very good responses here. I wish you only the best. Things have been a little different for me in the relationship area than what you are describing, but I do feel a common cord. The common cord is 'expectations'. It has taken me this long to realize one of the largest problems I had with any relationship was my expectation of how the other person should respond to a situation. Looking at it now I understand that I was projecting what I would do or how I would respond onto the other person. This is gauranteed to fail... because the are not me... and therefore may not react the way I would to a given situation. Communicating my needs (or in this case - your needs) is vital. Communitcation is key... expectations should be with a grain of salt... and learning your own needs... all equally important. Believe it or not... I have learned I function better on my own due to those very expectations I placed on others. May sound silly, but first fix myself... before I even begin to worry about what somone else's reaction will be.
Again, hoping the best for you.