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  • heatherangel
    hello im new to this group and i joined because i dont know where else to go. my husband was

    Diagnose with MS in 2008. i have been his support system since day one. i had the option of not marrying 9yrs ago but, because i was committed to us, loved him no matter what i married him knowing what MS was and what i was in for. we have been married for 9yrs and have a 4yr old daughter. Marriage as you know isnt easy there's ups and downs. these past 2yrs have been really rough on us. he had to change meds a few times and now is on Tysabri and has been for the last 6mos. he hasnt been able to hold down a study job since 2009 and always quits after 6mos or gets fired. he blames it on his MS saying he cant physically do it anymore but, i dont know if that's true. he's always been very lazy and doesnt like to take orders from anyone. he's use to being in charge and doesnt like when someone disagrees with him, which makes me believe its not the MS that is making him loose his job but, his attitude and temper. he had isolated himself from his family and always seems to find reasons why he's mad at them or calls them yelling at them for something they may have done 10yrs ago. sometimes he will relive his past since as tramatic events or things that in general upset him. he cant let his past go and even brings up stuff that i did to him or said to him 10yrs ago. anyway, all he does is lay around the house. we're having alot of money issues because he was bread winner and now things arent getting paid/on time. he tells me i have to go get a better job yet, he is actually physically able to work.  he's not in a wheelchair or walk with a cane. in fact, his MS doctor said he's doing really good for someone with MS.  lately, though he has been mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. he name calls, screams at me, puts me down, makes me cry and most of time he does it in front of our daughter. this abuse goes on for several days at a time and suddenly like it never happened he's as sweet as he can be. its like though it never happened. sometimes he will hug me and apologize and acts like its not as bad as it was. he also blames me for him name calling, yelling and making me cry. he tells me i need to toughen up and im the one who is crazy and is yelling and screaming in front of our daughter. he has threatened divorce but, he doesnt go through it. so after this long post, i want to know is it me??? is this normal???? i dont want to get a divorce because i feel guilty because i know sometimes he's not there, and its the MS that's screaming at me and calling me names. sometimes he will deny he is doing it. be honest i dont know what to do and how much i can take anymore. i am mentally and emotionally drained. what should i do? HELP!  

  • maria1
    heathersangel, please consider calling the national ms society and speaking with an ms navigator for: a referal to a therapist for yourself with or without your husband. Therapy for him would be beneficial since he is holding onto what he believes are past injustices and would rather blame others than take responsibility for his life and well being. It sounds as though he is unwilling or unable to communicate his feelings and holds on to unhappiness as a badge of honor.  Marriage is a partnership and if one partner is not working at the relationship it is time for the other partner to find solutions. Verbal abuse is still abuse, or temper tantrums are better outgrown or there might be some physical issue that is not being addressed. A visit to his primary care physician or his ms doctor is also a good choice. You ought not isolate yourself, we tend to get into habits just because they are familiar to us, even though they are not useful.

    ​Is your husband drinking alcohol? or other drugs besides his ms medication? If yes, consider moving out right away with your child. 

    ​Speak with his primary care physician about the behavior changes and whether it is an adverse reaction to his drugs.

    ​There is a post under the Topic, Treating MS, called Take Charge of My MS  that has tools for examining our thought proccess and how to change our thinking about things, you may find it useful.

    Consider taking a weekend away with your child, visit parents or friends, leave him home, so he can get to live with himself for a while.

    Therapy for you would be a great choice so you can sort through your feelings with direction, the society has a database of resources as well as any financial assistance available in your area. The sooner you begin the proccess the better you will feel.

    ​If you choose to break up, know that 50% of all marriages fail and the percentage is probably higher for families with a partner with ms, though I have no proof of that.

    In the take charge post there are also muscle relaxing exercises and deep breathing exercises which are beneficial and can be done anywhere at any time.

    ​That you have joined us shows that you have the resolve for a better life, we all have the responsibility to make our lives better however we are able to, I am sure you will succeed in whatever you want the outcome to be. best wishes maria
  • MS_Navigators
    Hi,

    It took a great deal of courage for you to tell your story today. 

    Abuse may take many forms; it may be obvious when the abuse is physical, but some types of abuse, such as emotional, psychological, or economic abuse, may not be as transparent. It is all abuse. There is help. 

    Please contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline with any questions you may have about domestic abuse.
     
    You may contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233 / 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) (available 24/7) or http://www.thehotline.org.
     
    *All calls are confidential*
     
    The National DV Hotline will assist a person with: safety planning, connecting to community legal services, filing restraining or protective orders, and providing crisis intervention and support for family members.  The hotline will work with outside agencies to assist with necessary services such as transportation, grants and child care resources.  
     
    The DV Hotline also offers the option to confidentially live chat with an advocate. This feature is available via the DV Hotline’s website every day from 7:00 a.m. to 2:00 a.m. Central Time.  There is an automatic exit feature on the website to exit quickly and safely.
     
    1-800-799-7233 / 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
    or
    Chat Now : The National Domestic Violence Hotline
     
    General Information about Abuse:
     
    If you have ever wondered if you are being abused – here are additional links designed for education about the forms of abuse and the dynamics of power and control:
     
    Is This Abuse? Get the Facts : The National Domestic Violence Hotline
    What is a ‘Healthy’ Relationship? : The National Domestic Violence Hotline
    Warning Signs : The National Domestic Violence Hotline
    How Can You Help a Friend or Family Member? : The National Domestic Violence Hotline
     
    Lastly, here are related links from our website:
    Preventing Tension : National MS Society
    Family Matters : National MS Society
     
    I hope this information is helpful. If you would like to speak with an MS Navigator on the phone, please call 1-800-344-4867, Monday-Friday (7am-5pm MT). Again, I am really glad you shared this and are reaching out! 
     
  • capitolcarol
    Yes, get a therapist that you and hopefully your husband can go to, as well or possibly going to a marrriage counselor.  Do something.  You and your daughter cannot go through this roller coaster ride all the time.  Some of it is the MS, but a lot of it is just him.  This is a very dangerous situation.  Sorry, no woman or her children should have to live in this kind of abusive environment.  I'm sorry, but divorce might be your only choice/decison.  Please get back in touch with us.  This is very worrisome for our group.
  • heatherangel
    im still here.....i am going to seek therapy to see how to deal with someone like this. i grew up in a single family home and i saw how my mom struggled to put clothes on our backs and food on the table. i dont want my daughter to grow up in a single family home. i know it sounds like an excuse but, im not trying to give them. i also want to try to make our relationship work or at least "try" until i cant do it anymore. that's why im going to seek help. its hard to separate my daughter from her father because they have a special/good father/daughter relationship. despite being an awful husband he's a great father, which makes things hard. he doesnt treat her like he treats me. he treats her good and doesnt speak to her badly or abusive. they play together and etc.....so this is why its hard. 
  • maria1
    How old is your daughter? How do you think she feels when she hears her father abuse her mother?  Ask him what he thinks the answer will be. Do you know anything about his family history? Did his father abuse his mother? Can you remember any good times with your husband? If yes, how about sharing them with him and your daughter, the emotional side of the memory not the physical difference compared to now. Is he homebound, I dont remember.  Do you all go out together or are you all stuck inside without any fresh air and sunshine.