Wait, wait! Don't tell me.

Fall is coming. The fields and farms out past my house are starting to look like they did last year, when I took a long walk in the late summer and noticed that one of my feet was dragging a little bit. When I walk out there now, and see the seasons changing, I can’t help but think about everything that’s happened in the past year -- my initial MRI, diagnosis, all the subsequent appointments, and the start of the medication and a different diet.

In a few weeks, I’ll have a follow up MRI and another appointment with my neurologist.  Maybe the medication is doing what it should. Maybe all this healthy eating has done some good! If not, it’s back to the drawing board (maybe after a giant ice cream cone) and we’ll see what might come next.

But here’s the truth: I don’t really want to know.

Right now, I feel healthy. I can walk a long way before I notice any weakness in my right side. The slightly tingling, feverish sensations that I used to have on the skin around my torso have disappeared. If there are new or growing lesions in my brain, I can’t feel them. They’re not bothering me. And there’s a part of me that would prefer not to know anything about them. I don’t want proof that things are not as they should be. I don’t want to think about harder truths.

Of course, that isn’t practical. I want to be as proactive as I can, and that means finding out exactly what’s going on and responding. I’ll definitely have the MRI. I’ll listen to what my doctor has to say and take her advice. I’ll keep moving forward.

But I wonder if there will always be this little voice saying, “Wait, wait! Don’t tell me.” I just want to keep my head down and enjoy the feeling that everything is going well. For the rest of the month, that’s what I’m going to do.
Tags Diagnosis, Progressive MS      6 Appreciate this

Katie Jennings, Blogger

Katie Jennings keeps busy juggling a son, a husband, a job, an old house, a bossy cat and unpredictable Vermont weather. She was diagnosed with progressive relapsing MS in December 2012. She blogs about all of it at http://steadyshegoes.com.