One of the worst things about the state of my health is the dependency on my husband for … EVERYTHING! OK, that might be a bit melodramatic. It just feels like everything.
I’m constantly yelling his name. “T-O-M-M-Y!” It aggravates me to need something and not be able to get it for myself. Especially since what I want may be as simple as my purse, opening the blinds, or locating a necklace.
In this instance, I ask him to get my choker that is in the next room. After I explain what a choker is, it takes him a while to find it. He finally arrives, hands me the choker, and leaves the room. I try to put it on and my fingers fail to open it. Darn it!
Meanwhile, I know he has every right to be busy doing something for his own enjoyment, although chances are that he is preparing dinner or washing dishes. This only serves to heighten my frustration. He is such a good caregiver/husband and I can only bark so loud. How can I be so selfish? How can I be so dependent? It’s an especially annoying dependency because in reality I know I could be so much worse.
I like to blame everything on MS. I’ve said before that I do hold some responsibility for how I respond to these maddening situations. This time I simply sit a little while longer than I had initially planned. Plus, I quit yelling for him. I’m sure my yelling tends to aggravate him as well. After a brief respite, I am able to awkwardly open the necklace for myself! I then cool down, exhale, and feel proud of my small independent accomplishment.
Keep in mind I don’t hear myself complaining when he is by my side at our gym’s pool. In fact, after aquatic class he comes into the assisted bathroom with me and helps me shower. I’ll spare you the explicit details and will just say he definitely had no idea what he was getting himself into when he uttered those infamous words, “I do.”
I just never imagined myself being this dependent on ANYBODY.
Then I suddenly remember a fellow MSer telling me, “Nicole, I need someone with me at all times. I can’t even use the bathroom by myself.”
This kind of puts things in perspective for me because at least on good days I can go to the toilet by myself …