Letter to my daughter

This story originally appeared on Daily Mom as part of their Breastfeeding Awareness Campaign.


The night after your 7 month birthday, you and I were alone in the home. That evening, I would breastfeed you for the last time.

I sobbed, Naya. I desperately begged my body to file away and remember the feeling of feeding you, knowing inevitably I would forget how it felt the moment we were finished. And so I was mad. I was mad I had this disease. I was mad that I had to take these medicines. I was angry that the choice of when I was done feeding you was being ripped from me and no longer on our terms. Knowingly, you instantly pulled away from me and looked up at my face, perplexed. So I sat you up on my lap, each one of your tiny legs wrapped around my waist. And I spoke to you. Really spoke, for the first time in your life.

I told you how I had been diagnosed with MS around your 3 month birthday. I told you it was a degenerative disease and we did not know the form it would take across my lifespan. I told you about my fears that I would be a disappointment as your mother, that I would become an empty shell of myself and let you and Bryan down. I told you how I was contemplating whether or not to stop having children, but how that would send me into a tailspin of anxiety about disappointing you in that way. I told you how I was afraid that the landscape of later adulthood was going to look so different for me and I would rob Bryan of the kind of excitement he deserved. I told you that I had contemplated turning down my treatments, and the injections, and the steroids just so I could feed you for one more day. Or a week. Or some months. And I told you I was sorry.

All the time that I talked to you, Naya, you… listened. You turned your head to the side and studied my eyes, not my lips, while I spoke. You pursed your lips and raised your eyebrows. Your eyes danced and then became calm. Your cheeks would flush when I cried. So in those moments when your eyebrow would rise and fall and your hands patted my shoulders, I paused.

You were okay. You did not need to be breastfed by me to be cared for and loved. You appreciated me and you would forgive me. It was an honor and my greatest accomplishment in life to feed you from my own body. It was my gift to you and yours to me, a bond we would never share with anyone else. And you would go on enjoying and loving the world you were learning about without it.

It wasn’t about me.

You were a life force. A small but deliberate hurricane of emotions, thoughts, energy, beauty, ideas, charisma, peacefulness. God. And to give birth to that life force, something would have to give. And so it would be. And it wasn’t your fault. It was the giving of myself to not only create you, but to earn you… And in that moment, I truly became a {your} mother.

…..but I fed you one more day.

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Danah

Danah Brown

Danah Brown was diagnosed with MS in August 2013, three months after giving birth to her baby girl. Danah is a psychologist and lives in Iowa with her husband, daughter, and dog, Ernie.  

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    104 Comments

  • Abbi   Sep 26, 2014 10:51 AM
    Thank you for sharing this! I was a very young child when my mother was diagnosed and I lived with her disease, as she did, for more then 20 years. SO often in my head I get caught up in what I was robbed of and your writing reminded me what she was robbed of. You and your beautiful family will be in my prayers!
  • Bedelia   Sep 26, 2014 10:57 AM
    My daughter has watched me progress since she was born, although I had MS a long time prior to having her. I had a major back surgery that started the whole progression, then I got pregnant. I Believe with all my heart that my daughter is smarter and more aware than a lot of kids! She's understanding and quite the soldier in all this! She is soon to be 10 and everyday I count my blessings for her being in my life! Amen to all MS parents and caregivers, thank you for your unconditional love and understanding!
  • Capri   Sep 26, 2014 11:06 AM
    Danah, remember that you're a total rockstar. I'm 20 years old and my mother was diagnosed with MS before I was born. Please know that, despite everything that I have watched her go through, my mother is the strongest and most wonderful person and parent. My friends are envious. I don't feel as though my childhood, adolescence, or my transition into early adulthood was different or harder than anyone else's because of my mother's disease. We have been able to do and experience so much together. A month ago, we took a trip to Europe and even went hiking. She just turned 56. Just remember that literally anything is possible and you have more control over your life than you think, even with a diagnosis like MS. I was your daughter about two decades ago, and my mother and I have come out on the other side, smiling! Please let me know If I or my mom can be of any resource to you. Best wishes!
  • Susank   Sep 26, 2014 11:12 AM
    I was diagnosed in 2001, when my oldest daughter was 6 months old. I went off meds and had my youngest, who is 10. They motivate me to do better and try harder every single day. Continue to give of yourself and let her love lift you up!
  • maria   Sep 26, 2014 11:12 AM
    Thank you for sharing your story. It is easy to forget sometimes, that there are so many of us fighting this battle. Here is a little bit of my journey. http://mariajomith.hubpages.com/hub/living-with-ms-3
  • Stephanie   Sep 26, 2014 11:17 AM
    My mom passed away last year from MS complications and I needed to read this today ... to remind me of her perspective. Thank you for sharing.
  • Vicky   Sep 26, 2014 11:22 AM
    I cannot stop crying from reading this! I often say my son was lucky to have me as his mom during my prediagnosis years! My daughter on the other hand, not so lucky. I found out I had meningitis the day after I found out I was pregnant with my beautiful daughter Summer! They said the medications that I had to take to try to help me would most likely cause me to miscarriage, so I made the decision to limit my medications to a minimum! It took three months to rehabilitate from the meningitis and then I developed optic neuritis five months after the meningitis, at this time I was 7 months pregnant! They told me at that time there was testing that would have to be done after I had my baby! So on September 14, 200, God gave me a gift, my life source , my daughter Summer! The doctors called her the miracle baby because she had no birth defects, her APGAR score was almost perfect, to me she was perfect! I was never the same after the pregnancy and in 2006 I was finally diagnosed with MS, it gave a reason for why I felt the way I did !!! My daughter is 13 now, beautiful and intelligent, and so very compassionate to others, animals as well!!! When I look at her I consider her "my miracle", because the bond that we have keeps me going day after day without giving up hope!!! When I'm tired and hurting and just don't feel like going to one of games I remember the sacrifices that she has had to make because of my condition, so I get up and don't miss a game!!! The funny part is she always says thank u, but I always tell her "no, thank u", she's my life source, my forever friend!!!!
  • Patricia   Sep 26, 2014 11:22 AM
    I am a single mom of twins who has MS. Your letter made me cry.
    Thank you for sharing.
  • Libbie   Sep 26, 2014 11:24 AM
    I was diagnosed August 6th, 2013. My son's 8 month birthday. It is as if I could have written the very words you just expressed. I sat and cried just now as I read. I contemplated leaving. I apologized to my husband and told him to get out while there was still time. While he was still young. But everyone stayed where they were, and nothing really changed except my faith and our outlook on life. This is not the life I had planned, but it's the life I was given. So in that, I will find peace! Thanks for sharing this. I wish we could talk more.
  • Avatar
    Stefanie  Sep 26, 2014 11:24 AM
    I am so glad you shared this. I was diagnosed in December of last year and I have three kids two girls 7 and 6 and a boy 2 1/2. I know the struggle it is hard I hope all is well for you and your family.
  • D   Sep 26, 2014 11:25 AM
    I just want you to know that you're not alone sine, knowing this happened to you just made me feel less alone. I also had to give up breastfeeding my daughter. She was just 3 weeks old when a relapse pushed me to steroids. It was so painful to have to take that away from her, but she is now 15 months and happy and healthy and crazy! She doesn't know or care that my body let us down. So, I try not to beat myself up over it. I hope drying up wasn't too painful or long for you. I would sob while pumping useless milk from my engorged body. It sucked more than I can express. Hugs to you and your beautiful baby girl. I hope your husband is as understanding, caring and compassionate as mine.
  • Deanna   Sep 26, 2014 11:28 AM
    I am an MS mom as well... Diagnosed when my 2nd daughter was 9 months old. I have learned through my journey and continue to learn everyday. All I want in life is to be a good example for my girls. MS moms are strong, what other choice do we have. It is our responsibility! I try my best every day and try to be self forgiving when things fall short.
  • Danah B   Sep 26, 2014 11:32 AM
    These comments have been so heartwarming. Feels so good to be understood. Much love to strong MS moms and their strong, compassionate children and spouses!
  • Julie @ Running From MS   Sep 26, 2014 11:36 AM
    Oh, the tears are flowing! So beautifully written. I will face this same heartbreak soon. My little one is 4 months old.
  • Clive   Sep 26, 2014 11:41 AM
    Tears in our eyes after reading your letter to your lovely daughter it is a very personal and touching letter. Thank you for sharing this it will be of help to many women who have been diagnosed with MS.
    Stay strong and fight on
  • Tonya Ganzert   Sep 26, 2014 11:44 AM
    Thank you for sharing your story. I was diagnosed with MS when I was 19 in 2007. Six years later my husband and I were trying to get pregnant and had some issues. Your story touched my heart and I wish you and your family all the best. When I am blessed to be a mother I often think about what the future will hold for my children as well. Stay strong!
  • Angela   Sep 26, 2014 11:45 AM
    Getting ready to deliver my 2nd child (1st daughter) any day and know my story could mirror yours. Was diagnosed a few months prior to conceiving my son and was fortunate to not relapse postpartum and thus nurse until conceiving #2 but also stayed on meds and this time did not. Thanks for sharing!
  • Susan Cunningham   Sep 26, 2014 11:46 AM
    I was diagnosed with MS in 1998, and a few months later my daughter's best friend, a senior in high school, was killed in a car accident. That tragedy made me realize there is no guarantees for anyone and made me appreciate life all-the-more. My MS "has had its issues, but I'm still alive & as active as possible, even though I can't do all I used to do, life is so worth living. Don't give up!'
  • Pam Metten   Sep 26, 2014 11:48 AM
    Your letter brought me to tears. Being a new Mom and having MS is overwhelming! Try to concentrate on the things you can do not the things you can't. Draw on the support of your friends, family and other MS'ers. Stay positive and keep counting your blessings. You and your family will be in my daily prayers!
  • Tracey   Sep 26, 2014 11:55 AM
    This really touched my heart. I was diagnosed in September 2013, at the age of 29. My son is 9 years old. We've known something has been wrong with me for a while. I breastfed my son, but I only did it for a short time and I've always felt guilty for not carrying on, but we both have an unbreakable bond, and you've just helped me rid of that guilt.

    Thankyou x
  • Anita   Sep 26, 2014 11:58 AM
    Thank you for sharing this beautiful experience with us. My daughter was seven months in 1983 when I was diagnosed with M.S. She is now 31 years old. She is an only child who is independent with a caring and compassionate heart. There were many things I was physically unable to do for or with her as she grew up. Those are my own personal regrets. Although they are outweighed by the many gifts we shared of music, writing, love of arts, nature, science and history. She gives me more than I give her or so I thought. Now that she's an adult she tells me I was always there for her every time it counted and thanks me for introducing her to so many things in life.

    Danah, your baby girl will enjoy your all the time you share with her regardless of what it is you're doing together. She needs and wants your love and guidance in every step of your life. Those are the moments that will matter from this day forward. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Keeping every in perspective the best is yet to come for all of you.
  • Anna E. Meyer   Sep 26, 2014 12:12 PM
    I was diagnosed when I was 13. I got married this last year and am planning on a family in a few years. Yes, I do know how hard it will be, but I want to be a mother despite the MS. Thank you for sharing this. I hold every person in the MS community, who has MS or who has a loved one with MS, in dear regard. Prayers for you as your daughter continues to grow to love and appreciate you for the woman you are. Your family has not been robbed. They have been blessed!

    Anna
  • Emilie   Sep 26, 2014 12:13 PM
    My mom was diagnosed with MS when I was abut 8 years old. I didn't understand why mommy was in bed all the time and why she needed to take medicine. her and my dad split up when I was 10 and I lost contact with her for personal reasons. I decided when I was a little older that I wanted to be the one that found the cure for my mom, or if nothing else be trained to know how to take care of her. I eventually went to school for Medical Assistant and I plan on going back to school for further education. I just recently contacted my mom almost a year ago. We spoke briefly throughout the years but not as much as we do now. I'm happy to say she is doing well and that she has an amazing new husband to take care of her. I still hope to be there for her whenever she needs me. I love her so much <3
  • Melissa   Sep 26, 2014 12:14 PM
    Absolutely beautiful....Thank you for sharing your letter - it was exactly what my heart needed today!
  • Anneen   Sep 26, 2014 12:26 PM
    Wow. This brought back memories. I was diagnosed with MS 6 weeks after the birth of my 3rd and last child. I put off MS meds so I could breast feed my daughter for almost 10mths. I lost my mother to breast and ovarian cancer, so my gyn said I needed the cancer protection from breast feeding more than I needed the MS meds. At 10mths my daughter self weaned because I had to p&d for 8 hrs a day due to IVSM.
    I have been dx for 12 years now and have a 16, 14, and 12 year old.
  • Rachel R   Sep 26, 2014 12:30 PM
    Thank u for this letter. I too was diagnosed with relapsing/Remitting MS almost a year after my oldest daughter was born. I went through so many emotions, wondering if I would be around to see her graduate, get married, and seeing my grandchildren. However, I have had another child and as long as I keep up with my meds and health I believe I will live for a long while to see all that. Hope u are doing well and keep a good attitude about your life, we will all beat MS, MS will not beat us!
  • Allison   Sep 26, 2014 12:40 PM
    Danah,
    This is so touching, I don't even know where to begin. Keep writing those letters to your daughter. Later, she will thank you more than you will ever know. My dad was diagnosed with MS the year that I was born, and I am now 26. It has not been easy, and I would give anything for him to not have this disease, and this may sound a little bit backwards, but I wouldn't change our life. My dad is my HERO. He has taught me strength, and patience, and that you HAVE TO laugh, even through the tears sometimes. Your daughter has just met her hero, though she may not even realize it yet. You are so strong, and one day, when you are least expecting it, she will turn to you and tell you just that. My dad always says, "I have MS, but MS doesn't have me". I hope that you can always remember that. My family and I will be keeping you and your family in our hearts and thoughts.

    Allison & Family
  • Alisa   Sep 26, 2014 12:45 PM
    Or........ MS may not do much of anything to you. I have had it for a long time. I run half marathons, do not have fatigue, and can run just fine in very hot weather. Not everyone has problems from this disease. I wish more newly diagnosed people new this.
  • Jessica   Sep 26, 2014 12:46 PM
    My mother was dx with ms when I was 4. 25 years ago. When she was dx there was no medications. I have watched her struggle, and despite weak days, and being tired she still soilder on chaperoned field trips, took me prom dressing. I'm 29 now, with a 7 year old daughter. I just want you to know, to not feel guilty about not breastfeeding, taking medication as soon as your are dx might prevent you from getting where my mother is now. (mostly bedridden) and will allow you to be the mommy your daughter needs. I wont lie, she will have moments of frustration, confusion, and outright being mad at the world. We all know ms is a awful unpredictable disease. But know she will grow up stronger, and more caring. She will be ok. My daughter is around my mother almost 24/7 we moved in to help care for her, and my daughter has a level of compassion for others I didn't know was obtainable, she cares for others, she is not taken back when she sees someone in a wheelchair, and she jumps for every chance to help care for her grandmother. You can sit and dwell and worry about what the future holds, you need to live for the now. trust your daughter will understand, and will not resent you. I have had my moments of frustration over the past 25 years, but I have never hated my mother because of the ms.
  • Tina   Sep 26, 2014 12:53 PM
    Thank you for writing this. I was 5 when my mother was diagnosed with MS. She had this disease for 36 years. Though I loved my mother with all my heart and a day does not go by that I don't think of her, I sometimes look back and feel that I was more focused on what I had to give up then what she had to give up. I must say that even though my mothers fight has ended I still feel that I am no where near the end of her fight yet. May God bless you and yours and Thank you again.
  • madhelica  Sep 26, 2014 1:00 PM
    Yes thank you so much for sharing this. These emotions could not have been any more honest and heart warming than the way you've shared with us. I was diagnosed in 2008, but I didn't have my first child till 2010. I was lucky enough to not have been through so much pain after she was born, but on her 2nd year, it only started to get worse after I stopped breast on her first birthday.

    Now with my son, who will be a year old on October 11th, I had to stop early worth him.3 months just like you because I had to back on my medicating. At first, letting go of feeding only made me feel like a monster who was robbing a little of a much needed meal, but you know what-he has been fine ever since and is now 10x healthier than I could have imagined
  • Brooke   Sep 26, 2014 1:20 PM
    Thank you for sharing. I'm 1 week away from having to stop breast feeding my 6 week old baby to start treatments and just devastated. It's nice to know there are others dealing with the same situation.
  • Jenna   Sep 26, 2014 1:22 PM
    Thank you for sharing this. I was diagnosed in May 2012. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for a year. I hope if we are ever lucky enough to have children that I show the strength you have discussed in your post. Thank you xxx
  • arley   Sep 26, 2014 1:49 PM
    Thanks for sharing! This is how all mothers feel, but we all have a reason to keep going, and that is our children. They will be fine and we will enjoy every moment with them, no matter how we are feeling.
  • Marissa   Sep 26, 2014 1:57 PM
    Your story was very touching. I am on the other side. My son had has first relapse at the age of 3 and 5 more relapses that put him in the hospital the next 4 years.He just turned 7 and we received the diagnosis of Pediatric MS. I have no idea what he is going through and feel that his child hood is being ripped from him, and the pain...it's unbearable.
  • Jessica   Sep 26, 2014 3:16 PM
    Thanks for sharing your story. As I read your words, I felt as you were writing my story. I was diagnosed with MS when my son was 6 months old. I understand everything you said about your fear of being a disappointing mother to your kids. That is my biggest fear. Not knowing the battle ahead or duration is what I fear for my kids. They are getting robbed of the life they deserve but a gift to treasure every moment of everyday to the fullest. To have no regrets in life.

    Thanks for giving me comfort that I am not alone.!
  • Nancy Gilbert   Sep 26, 2014 3:40 PM
    Thanks for sharing. This is exactly what my daughter went thru so she could get back on meds. She was so angry and disappointed that she had to stop @ 7 months. Thanks for articulating your feelings so beautifully. Stay strong and I will think of you frequently and send good vibes your way. Hope you are in remission and your baby girl seems like such a joy-Enjoy each moment.
  • Virginia   Sep 26, 2014 5:18 PM
    Your story makes me realize how lucky I am as a daughter of an MS Mom. My Mom has had MS for 52 years and has been my rock all along even wehn I had to feed her. She has never let it beat her although at times it was a challenge for us all we tried to laugh. I have been her caregiver for the last 2 years and even through it all she is kind, gentle and gives me the most amazing advice for handling my kids. You are teaching Naya to be strong and how to handle setbacks with dignity and strength. Good Luck!
  • Marla   Sep 26, 2014 5:52 PM
    Dear Danah,

    Naya is so fortunate to have you as her mom. You are making the best of very difficult circumstances, and this is a very valuable example to set for her. Of course you wish it could be different, but you have made a wise choice to look after your own health. I had had my three children before being diagnosed with MS at age 45. I felt tremendous guilt about what kind of mom I could not be, as well as having to give up my medical practice, but with a lot of aggressive treatment, I have done better than I expected. My kids sometimes express that that they didn't have a normal childhood with a mom who was often sick, but they also acknowledge that having me home instead of working had a lot of positives. They are now 25, 20 and 15. They are thriving despite MS, and so will your daughter, who will know first and foremost that her mom loves and cherishes her no matter what. Love and hugs to you!
  • Melanie   Sep 26, 2014 6:36 PM
    Thank you so much for sharing! I read this with tears in my eyes, as I have felt all these things myself. You are not alone. God's blessings to you and your family.
  • Kim   Sep 26, 2014 7:04 PM
    I was diagnosed with MS when my son was 18 months and my daughter was 41/2. The day I was diagnosed, I was told to go home and make plans to have my house handicapped accessible, because I'd be in a wheelchair in 5 yrs. I couldn't fathom that. I switched doctors, and found one with a much more optimistic approach. I took the medication that was prescribed and did everything I could to take care of myself- eat right, exercise, etc, etc. My son is now 17 yrs old, and my daughter is 20. I just got back from driving him to crew practice. I spend my time running them around with their very full lives. I have MS, but I am fine, and living my life. This will be my prayer for you. I do believe, it can be done, and more often now with all the new meds.
    God Bless
  • Avatar
    Jpurcell22  Sep 26, 2014 7:49 PM
    I was diagnosed sept.22,2012 I have two boy's 9&7 I am a single mother! I get my strength from the lord. power of prayer is amazing. I still work and complete daily activities with my boy's! I have taken all kinds of therapy and have chose to stop and all I take now is an ALL NATURAL SUPPLEMENT called PROTANDIM its AMAZING! EVERYONE SHOULD HEAR ABOUT IT AND TAKE IT! God bless
  • Donna   Sep 26, 2014 8:35 PM
    We all have struggles dealing with MS. I was diagnosed in 1980 an unmarried collage student. At that time there we absolutely no medications for MS. The only information that was given to me was to go home with my parents and see where the disease leads. Don't make plans. Luckily my boyfriend at the time (now husband) told me that was not an acceptable plan. We have been married 32 years and have two grown children. Medication was not available until my oldest daughter was 10. They have seen this disease change the way that I can do things. But I believe that they are more compassionate adults than they would have been if I didn't have MS. Kids are resilient. Sometimes they are stronger than we give them credit for.
  • amanda villegas   Sep 26, 2014 9:12 PM
    My name is Amanda and I am 21 years old and have had multiple sclerosis since I was 15. I often think and fear about the day that i decide to start a family and have a children of my own. I can relate to the pain you felt when you couldn't breast feed your child any longer, because i know that one day that will be me. I appreciate you sharing your story. Best of luck to you and your family!
  • shenay   Sep 26, 2014 9:26 PM
    I was a child of MS. My mom got diagnosed when I was 15, but her symptoms started when I was 7. By the time I was 18 she could barely walk by the time I got married at 20 she was in a wheelchair my brother was only 16. I gave up med school to care for her, and later in my late 20's my husband and I built onto her house to take care of her. She passed this year in peace. I wish and pray I could have had a mom. Thankfully I remember her healthy but my little brother doesn't. He has a lot of emotional issues because he didn't have a chance to know her without it. Remember as your disease progresses how hard it will be for your children. In either mine or my brother's circumstances, think about these things as you raise them and let them know your future expectations of them, and spend every healthy minute with them, don't save money for the future or retirement, spend it on them and on vacations, so when the day comes (and I pray that it doesn't and they find a cure. Your kids will be able to remember the life before the disease takes over. That will be what gets your children through. On the bad days with my mom I would remember the vacations, the shows we watched and the conversations that made us close and laugh.
  • Alejandro Garcia   Sep 27, 2014 4:30 AM
    Very beautiful post! My son is 2 years old and he gets sad when he seems me at the hospital but it's as if he knows my pain so he makes me smile! His laugh is such a blessing to me and it literally takes my pain away. I can relate, in a way, to the way you feel in this post. Thank you so much for sharing!
  • Leanne Charles   Sep 27, 2014 7:57 AM
    Thor is a mirror image of my journey I was pregnant with my third child when diagnosed , I had a relapse six weeks after my daughter was born and it broke my heart that I couldn't feed her anymore due to needing the relapse treatment. Written beautifully :)
  • Robin Slattum   Sep 27, 2014 8:26 AM
    Thank you for sharing your story. I have four kids and so often feel like I've let them down by not being able to do all the fun things we used to do as a family. They are 18, 15, 13, & 10. I was just diagnosed 8 months ago so I'm still in a certain state of shock, so to speak. Going on weekend morning hikes hasn't happened in awhile. I haven't been able to drive since before my diagnosis. That was my "second" job-taxi driver for my kids! Grocery shopping, for whatever reason, overwhelms me. Before my diagnosis I was actively involved with family, school, and church events. I wanted to live my life as a good example for my kids to follow. Living with MS has certainly put a wrench in the deal, but I keep telling myself--stay strong! And I have--except right now I'm crying. Sometimes a good cry can build up more strength. So, I get dropped off at work, somebody else does the grocery shopping, and my husband is somewhat relieved that I can't shop in Costco or Target anymore! The Serenity Prayer gets me through each day--Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
  • Helen   Sep 27, 2014 8:48 AM
    Tears in my eyes remembering the same situation with my son. He was one yr old but I hadn't chosen to stop yet. I was in hospital and sat in the hospital day room and cried. The next day when my husband brought him to the hospital after I'd had my steroids , he patted my chest and asked 'booby??' So I told him that mummy's boobys had gone to sleep. Ok mama he said and never asked again. Xx
  • Monica   Sep 27, 2014 10:12 AM
    I'm a mother of two beautiful children, my son just turn 23 and my daughter 15. My son was lucky to have me in my predisease days. I'm so grateful for that because I felt like a real mom to him. I never missed a game or school event. My daughter was born in 1999 and I was diagnosed in February of 2002. Our lives would change forever and in my opinion it wasn't for the good. I thank God for grandparents because they were life savers in the beginning. They have always been there when I couldn't, taking photos and video. Those are now some of my priceless treasures.

    I wanted to leave so many times because they didn't sign up for all of this, but my rock, my husband would not allow it. I feel like I'm such a burden to them and I hear the tone of everyone's voice when I can't make something. I'm not allowed to keep my grandchildren because "too sick to watch them" I cannot explain what that alone has done to my soul! Why be here if when things are going good your robbed of the fact that things are good?

    My husband, Jason, is the true warrior in my story. He sits quietly in the corner when I'm in the hospital while they pump me full of poison to try and stop my out of control immune system. I'm so blessed to have him hold my hand or hold me in his arms as I cry. I don't know why he stays but so grateful that he does.

    Stay strong Danah! Your sweet daughter needs her mom no matter what shape she comes in. Cherish every memory made and make as many as possible. Thank you for sharing that beautiful letter you wrote your daughter, not only was it so heart felt, but truly moving to all us moms out there that know exactly how you feel!

    Much luck and love from a fellow MS fighter!
  • Gerri   Sep 27, 2014 10:34 AM
    What a beautiful tribute to your daughter. When I was diagnosed at the age of 44 I had two children. At first I was shocked at the news but found that denial worked for me. So I decided that I would return to work and keep on doing all that I could so that I wouldn't feel defeated by this disease. It worked. I had fatigue, I had weakness, I had semi paralysis for short term. I cried, often, but realized none of that would cure me. I am now 71 and still going. I am not 100% strong, or cured, but I keep up the best I can. Medication has slowed the progression and good doctors a blessing. My husband is a saint, my children and grand children are my saviors and keep me going. Attitude and support truly keep one alive mentally and physically. Never give up the fight.
  • Tina   Sep 27, 2014 12:03 PM
    I was diagnosed in 2005. Last year my son was born through my surrogate. Due to my MS i could not carry. I am so blessed. He is a healthy one year old! I never breast fed him or gave birth to him BUT that is not relevant because he has everything else. Love and nurturing. So don't be hard on yourself. Accept your limitations and focus on the big picture. Having a child and dealing with MS is a miracle in itself!
  • Kathy   Sep 27, 2014 2:02 PM
    Nursed each of my 2 kids for about 6 weeks each, so I could get back on my meds. They are 11 and 9 now, and no worse for wear! I had to tell myself that getting back on my meds to stave off disability was the best thing I could do for them! Still walking, working, and love being a mom!
  • Marge   Sep 27, 2014 2:47 PM
    Greetings fellow MS fighters,

    Relapsing remitting MS is not a death sentence. Attitude is everything!
    I started having issues at the age of 10. I was diagnosed at the age of 12. That was 1973. There have been good years and bad years. The mid to late 80's were particularly bad but then I lived from Jan 1991 to Oct 2001 without a single symptom. Very early on (14), I had a Dr tell me to always trust my body. If the treatment doesn't 'feel' right stop it and keep looking for the next big thing. He told me Doctors don't know everything. That's why they call it "practicing medicine". Maybe because I was so young when I was diagnosed, that I have always done exactly as he said. Keep looking while you are still young enough to have some of the treatments. By the time I found out about stem cells in 2010, I was already over 50 and I don't qualify. Then I found Neuroplastisity. Now I have pain and spasms at times but at least I can now feel my legs and feet and can walk with a cane. Trust me, a little pain is better than no feeling at all. Keeping active is sometimes hard due the fatigue but activity builds strength and lessens the spasticity. Never stop trying to keep moving no matter how slow you are. If you don't use the muscles your brain will turn them off. It is called 'learned non-use'. The internet is a God send. Swim, bike, walk, Taichi, Yoga, whatever you can do. Just don't stop trying! My newest gig is power plate. There have been two successful clinical trials with MS patients, one in Germany and one in Sweden. You can find the clinics that use them by searching on the internet. Incidentally, my kids are both successful and married now, 29 and 31. God bless to all. You can do it! Just stay positive!
  • Julie   Sep 27, 2014 11:29 PM
    I was 23 yrs old when the Doctor told me I have MS. Going on 9years see my sister kids play it a blessings to see ever day. Your story make want to keep going never give up at all.
  • Kathy   Sep 28, 2014 12:18 AM
    It is so sad to see so many diagnosed with MS. I have been researching vaccines and MS can be a side effect from the viruses in vaccines. Check the package inserts for vaccines, it is clearly a known side effect. Many men in the military came down with MS after the anthrax vaccine. Watch: The Exploding Autoimmune Epidemic http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8OkKM1Z1EM. I will keep all of you in my prayers. Grandmother of 2 vaccine damaged grandchildren.
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    gauthier97  Sep 28, 2014 12:23 AM
    Stay strong! Be positive! We didn't choose to have MS, but we can choose how we deal with it. Live each day to the fullest and enjoy your beautiful children! Don't let MS define who you are!
  • Merlla   Sep 28, 2014 9:38 AM
    Beautiful message, Danah. Your love and caring goes a very long way toward mitigating the effects of the disease. My mother was diagnosed before I was born, when she was pregnant with my middle brother (5 kids). Although I was an "accident, " I always knew that I got the best mom of all my siblings. Despite the progression of her disease, her ability to connect with me by a look, a smile, grew as the years went on. I learned a lot about caring for people, from her (and from my dad, who married her to keep her out of a nursing home) Compassion, kindness, open - heartedness.
  • Bill   Sep 28, 2014 1:36 PM
    Your child will learn about strength, compassion, determination and love more than ever. This is what our 3 kids (now 8, 18 and 20)have learned since my wife was diagnosed with MS in 2012. Her symptoms were so severe that she has hospitalized for over 8 months. God bless.
  • Camil King   Sep 28, 2014 3:45 PM
    Thank you for sharing your story. Although I was not fortunate enough to be able to have any children due to another health condition in edition to MS. Your story is very inspiring. I was diagnosed with MS in 2008. Although very challenging I am working a full time job and taking my medication and doing ok.
  • Brandi   Sep 29, 2014 10:39 AM
    I really appreciate this more than you'll ever know. There are times where I feel like I've let my son down. I was diagnosed Feb 2011, Cody(son) will be 9 this year. There are days where I just don't feel good or don't have the strength to go on, can't play w/ him or my moods are off. But because of him/family, God & prayer I press my way through. I often apologize for things that I know I can't control & can't change, knowing it's not my fault I'm like this. I thank God for being by my side through it all. When I want to give up & it seems like all hope is gone, I'm reminded of God's word. He promised to never leave nor forsake me. My son knows his mommy is sick but that love so much, I'm gonna fight the best I can. <3
  • Rhiannon   Sep 29, 2014 11:12 AM
    I sit blubbering reading this, I too will be ending my breast feeding so I can start back on my MS modifying therapy. My 3rd daughter, and last one is 2 months old and sometimes I grieve because I feel a 'competent' mom because of this disease but my older girls remind me that I am a competent mother and I am more useful to them if I am working properly and not in the hospital getting myself better. Thank you for not making me feel like I am the only one who goes thru things like this. In the end it will be all alright.
  • cindyc3  Oct 3, 2014 9:33 AM
    Hi Danah,

    I am a junior in high school and am currently working on a project in my Anatomy class. Each student gets "diagnosed" with a chronic condition, and so for the next three months, I will be doing research on what it is like to be living with Multiple Sclerosis and how to deal with the physical and emotional aspects of it.

    I really hope you are doing well despite everything that has happened. Your daughter is extremely lucky to have you as a mother.

    I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about MS and how things have changed since your diagnosis. My questions are below and I am looking forward to hearing from you! Sorry in advance if some of my questions are too personal; it's okay if you do not feel comfortable sharing.

    1. How has MS affected your daily routine? Are there activities that you cannot do anymore because of MS?
    2. What kinds of nutritions do you have to look out for? Has MS affected your diet?
    3. Will you have relapses? If so, how long do they usually last for? If on medication/therapy, will relapses never occur?
    4. Have your life goals changed throughout these past few years? Has MS affected these goals and if so, in what way?
    5. How are you doing now? How is your family?

    Thank you so much for your time,
    Cindy
  • Christy Zimmerman   Oct 8, 2014 5:00 PM
    I loved your post, but please do not give up. Your daughter as she gets older will see your strength through your struggles. She will love you regardless of MS. You are not your disease!
  • Alicia   Oct 13, 2014 4:07 PM
    I just read your letter to you daughter and I connected with it a little. I was diagnosed with MS in 1999 and it's been a roller coaster ride. My husband and I have two girls, ages 20 and 2. Our 20 year old was born in 1994 so I was able to be the typical mom. Not really thinking that I would not be able to care for her the way she needed. But from 1999 until now, that all has changed. After 5 different treatments and a lot of changes in my body, mind and spirit, having a second child was very risky. But, we decided to try it again. Our first attempt resulted in a miscarriage but then in 2011 we we blessed with our second daughter. Every moment since we first learn that we were pregnant, I felt like I was holding my breathe, scared to exhale for fear that I would wake up and it be a dream. But it wasn't. She's a joy, a feeling I can't really but into words. Everyday since her birth, I found myself really taking in moment I have with her. What I've learned about my MS experiences is that each day is different. One day I would be feeling okay ( well as okay as I can) and the next day my sight could be gone, or my limbs numb. So I try my hardest be the mom she desires. I'm not going to lye, it's a struggle, but being a mom to her and my oldest doughtier is fulling.
  • SHARON   Oct 16, 2014 5:15 PM
    Thank you for the beautiful, personal moment you shared with ypur daughter and us blessings to you and yours and travelling mercies as you travel life's jpys and challenges
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    Uncas  Oct 18, 2014 1:04 PM
    You had the same feelings as I did when I was diagnosed I found it hard to finish reading your story because I was teary-eyed. At the time my kids were 1,2 & 4 and it was just like I was hit with a lightening-bolt. They have turned into wonderful human beings. It took me a lot me longer to learn what you wrote about. I wish I could have read this then.
  • nicfran79  Oct 19, 2014 7:30 AM
    Thanks for telling your story. I have a nine year old and I pray MS does not steal the time we have together to run, play, and love.
  • Vikki   Oct 23, 2014 5:38 PM
    Your story really hit home with me. I was diagnosed when I was 23 years old. It was 1993, and I was one of the first people to be on the newly approved Betaseron. In 1997 I had my baby girl. I needed to go back on medication just 6 weeks after having her, and I too cried that day, mourning the loss and fearful for what the future was going to hold, for me and for my baby.
    Fast forward to the present. I am not going to say life has not had its challenges. There are times I couldn't do everything others moms could do. But my daughter has told me more times than I could ever count, that she wouldn't change her life. She is the most sensitive and empathetic young woman that I know. She is so smart and is applying to colleges this fall. She wants to major in Neurologic Research.
    So allow yourself the time to mourn your losses. This won't be the last time you will need to do that. But in the end treasure your time, it will all work out. Have faith and take care of yourself.
  • Vickie   Oct 28, 2014 9:50 AM
    THANK YOU FOR SHARING.....I was diagnosed in 2011. It is so easy some days to feel that I have let my family down. I have to step back and look at the "whole picture". God has blessed me so much and with His guidance and the awesome support from my family & friends. I'll get through another day.
  • Vicki3  Oct 28, 2014 11:19 AM
    I love this story
  • Cathy   Nov 16, 2014 5:02 PM
    My daughter katarina was told by a doctor that her mri came back and it was ms as a mom i just cryed and cryed for i did not want my daughter to be sick
  • Andrea Lorraine Clark   Nov 26, 2014 7:22 PM
    This is such a touching story....as a 28 year old woman, nearing the 10th anniversary of my own diagnosis, and nearing the age of hopeful childbearing. I've been continuously contemplating the implications that my MS will have on having my own children. I have been off of my meds for a year and a half, treating it strictly by diet,exercise and rest in hopes that I am preparing my body to be ready. The message I got from your blog was just truly inspiring.

    Best Wishes,

    Andrea Lorraine Clark
  • pati  Aug 2, 2015 11:19 AM
    Danah , I was just rereading your post. As well as feeling it in my soul. I am hoping today is a good day for you and that you are finding peace and love and joy in the eyes of your baby girl. Hugs , love and understanding to you.
    Pati
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    oldhippie  Aug 2, 2015 11:53 AM
    Gee'z you not have a beautiful little girl but your letter to her is the most beautiful one I myself have ever read! Your world's made me cry not of sadness but of the loving that is in themselves.
    I myself have four children from two different wife's and all of them bring me unmeasured happiness, one of was born with downs and he in his own way has given the new insight to life I need every day.
    So for me and all those that take the time to read this letter, give your baby a big kiss and hug.
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    oldhippie  Aug 2, 2015 3:44 PM
    I am sorry for the missing words in my post, I meant to say that you have a Beauty on your hands and she will always love you as you will her.
  • Christie   Aug 20, 2015 3:35 PM
    This hit close to home for me - my daughter is 7 weeks and I think I'm relapsing. I'm exclusively breastfeeding and wanted to for a year but I am upset that MS is taking the breastfeeding choice from me. I have to go back on meds and it hurts. People don't understand why I'm upset but it's not fair that I can't be like normal mothers.
  • Stuart Tuck   Aug 20, 2015 3:43 PM
    I'll never forget my first Ms attack, I was walking home from college and I thought I had a stroke before entering my home.
    I went inside called my wife an she came right home, we went to the ER they kept me 2 nights did tests an said I had a spinal infection.

    I stayed home a day an went back to work limping, I was on light duty work for a month, then a month later I was fine again
    I continued with my daily routine of going to college an working . My father took me to see a neurologist an he said it looks like mild Ms, I was only 23 and my new wife an I were crying hsterically , because we were only married 6 months. This was in 1985 and now I have a 4yr degree a 19 year old daughter in college and a wife of 31 yrs, yes it has affected my life and i had two back surgeries which forced me into early retirement at 50.

    I worked and lived my life, it slowed me down a little bit I would say, my advice live your life and don'the cry in your beer.
  • Erin   Aug 20, 2015 3:44 PM
    Our daughter was 6 months when my husband was diagnosed and while it's not exactly the same, I feel your pain. All those frustrations are what we feel, including having more kids (once again not the same situation).

    My daughter is 3 1/2 and she loves her daddy more than words. She is patient when he has to walk slowly with a cane, and she knows in some ways people are different but in so many ways they at the same. It has made her stronger and will continue to do so for the rest of her life.

    Your daughter will feel your strength and knows how much you love her. Stay strong.
  • Russ Edwards   Aug 20, 2015 4:04 PM
    Respect mummy x I have a three year old son, I so wish I could do more with him xxx my SPMS holds me back, we fight on as a family and our kids will turn out to be strong adults in the future! ....... That's what keeps me going
  • Shelly Steen   Aug 20, 2015 4:11 PM
    Thank you for sharing although it's hauntingly familiar! I was diagnosed with RRMS 13 years ago when my youngest son was 2 months old we went through some of the same feelings and emotions about medicine and breast feeding I also had to quit to start my treatment! I love that kid so much to this day he is not only my baby but my best friend we are fighting this disease together still hoping and praying every day for that cure!
  • Maddy   Aug 20, 2015 4:35 PM
    My dad was diagnosed with MS the year that I was born. I'm 20 now. Most of the time, it's just normal life to me. But there are days that I get so incredibly angry that my dad and I can't have the type of relationship that my friends have with their dads - that he couldn't coach my sports teams and that he can't see my new apartment because there are too many steps. But thank you for reminding me that it's a two way street. I know that it breaks his heart to miss out on so much of his only child's life. So thank you for reminding me to always be considerate of my father as much as he has been to me. The man has pushed so many boundaries to be a part of my everyday life, and I thank God for that. Thank you for your words!
  • bdrew79  Aug 20, 2015 5:54 PM
    Thanks for sharing Danah. Its nice to know we are not alone with our MS experiences. I had my first (diagnosable) symptoms when I was only one month pregnant with my first. I had facial numbness, and after seeing my primary physician was sent to a neurologist and had an MRI. Thank god my husband went with me for the results of the MRI. Because the neurologist had absolutely no bedside manner and nonchalantly tells a newly pregnant mother, 'I think you have MS'. I spent the early stages of my pregnancy depressed and lost, and hopeless until I met with a MS Specialist who eased my concerns. I now have 2 beautiful daughters , 3yrs and 3 months. I have only had relapse during the 1st trimester of pregnancy. Facial numbness with my 1st and numbness in my feet that moved up to my torso with my 2nd pregnancy. I am currently BF my 3 month old and live in a constant awareness that I could relapse. I have never been on medication for my MS, and it is something I think about almost daily. Right now I don't have any symptoms so its easy to just move forward without medication, but the haunting idea that I could relapse and not knowing what that could look like is scary since I have two small children to care for.
  • Nina   Aug 20, 2015 5:55 PM
    Thank you for sharing as I needed to read this! I had the roughest morning this morning and in so much pain and as I dropped my kids off to school late, I sat in the parking lot crying so hard asking God, "why me?"
  • Kiara White   Aug 20, 2015 5:57 PM
    That was beautiful. My daughter was 5 when I was diagnosed. I was all she had in the world. I fight to live a healthy life for her. She's been on the ride with me all the way. She is now 13 and has been there through debilitating flare ups and surgery. She is the reason I press on despite it all. I hope my strength will bring her great comfort in the future.
  • Christine   Aug 20, 2015 6:06 PM
    Always know you could NEVER be a disappointment to your little girl. She will say things she doesn't mean, and she will see how much those words hurt. She will learn. She will grow. It will be because of you that she does. And she WILL always love you for the strong woman, and Mother you are for being there for her.

    I know because my Mom was diagnosed with MS when I was very young. This was almost 35 years ago. Before medication, when a diagnosis was still hit or miss. I was her last child, I was the child she had ten years after her last child because she knew I was suppose to be here. Her love I feel every day. I lost her when I was 12, unrelated to MS, but I can tell you she was my best friend, and the only person I wanted to be like. Her unimaginable strength in dealing with MS was something I witnessed every day of my young life. She hung the stars for me. And I guarantee you hang the stars for your little one as well. This is a small thing that you've had to give up, but she knows how much it meant for you. She did listen. She understood. In her little heart she knew. You will NEVER disappoint her, not really.

    I wish I could've told my Mom that.
    I hope you read this, and you remember this love between a Mother and Daughter, weathering all storms. It never dies. It is boundless.
  • Kate   Aug 20, 2015 6:09 PM
    How generous of you to go public with your story. It was so touching and powerful and yet still so confidential. A private, intimate account that only you and your daughter will ever comprehend despite you sharing it with us. Congratulations to both of you.
  • Paula Basihan   Aug 20, 2015 6:17 PM
    Thank you so much for sharing, Danah! What sweet and raw emotion. I vividly remember that day when I received a call from my doctor telling me that it was time to stop breastfeeding my 9 month son and to go on treatment. I remember the sobbing for hours, days and weeks like it was yesterday. He is now 4 but we find so many ways to build good memories that will last a lifetime.
  • Lgwesterman   Aug 20, 2015 6:37 PM
    Thank you for sharing this. I was diagnosed June 17th and didn't think what I was feeling was normal. My daughter was 15 months when I had to wean her bc of my steroid regiment and injections, and it was time, but I was still angry it wasn't on my own terms. Every thing you said, I felt or did. I was more upset with how MS will impact t my kids than myself. Thank you for sharing.
  • connie   Aug 20, 2015 10:43 PM
    you are truly a beautiful person, your daughter is lucky to have you, my oldest son suffered with MS and your courage will help your daughter better understand what an amazing Lady you are, God Bless
  • Cindy   Aug 20, 2015 11:55 PM
    Don't feel bad there's mothers out there who don't even care for their kids. At least you have a heart, you did nothing wrong.... Off topic now anyone have MS prior to getting pregnant how did it go after giving birth? Did you relapse etc. I only see people here who were diagnosis after.
  • Steve Thomas   Aug 21, 2015 12:44 AM
    Hi Danah, hope you and your family are doing well. I was diagnosed in November 2014 and every day is a struggle but lets not let this beat us.
    I also feel I have let my family down, when they have to wait forme to catch up and with the fatigue that stops me helping them as much as I should.
    please stay strong, and in touch
    Steve
  • Lisa Seifert   Aug 21, 2015 1:23 AM
    I enjoyed the story.
  • Najibey Ansari   Aug 21, 2015 8:41 AM
    On the EVE of my Eldest Daughters Wedding , I was Diagnosed with MS...
    Initially my world Fell Apart ...
    I Declined all Medications of all sorts...As I Realised , every one of them carried umpteen Side Effects .
    Perhaps the Only Time , I truly Felt Heart Broken and Angry , was when I realised , It was not safe for me to Carry them as Babies..., To Run around and Play , with My Grand Children....
    Beyond that , I am truly Blessed . My MS has progressed Very Very Slowly.
    God has Blessed me Today , with Assistance from not Only my Children ...
    My Grand Children too .
    So U see , Every Dark Cloud Has A Silver Lining .
    😊😊😊😊
  • Irene Gillette   Aug 21, 2015 8:53 AM
    My daughter was diagnosed with MS in 2002. Her son was just 7 months old. She was diagnosed with relapsing and remitting form of MS. For ten years after she was fine using Avonex, but in 2010 she had a relapse and was in the hospital and then to rehab to learn to walk and use her right side and speech. She responded well and her speech came back ,but her walking and right arm have not completly returned normal. Her balance is off and she walks with a very noticeable limp . Her son is now 14 and is a great help to her. I pray that there will be a cure.
  • Claudia Latham   Aug 21, 2015 10:39 AM
    Beautiful story. She will not be robbed of anything because you have this disease. You are a special human being and she is lucky to have you as Mom. Be strong and remember always there are others worse off than we are. Prayers to you and yours.
  • Jeff stone   Aug 21, 2015 2:39 PM
    I read your sad story, and my heart prayers go out to you. My praying that they will come up the a cure for this, my heart goes out there to all of the MS warriors out there. God bless you, and your family❤️ Jeff
  • Liek Sari Handikin   Aug 21, 2015 8:28 PM
    Dear colleagues,
    Please share your experiences in dealing with MS.As far as I know,this is a kind of disease which is difficult to diagnose or might be wrongly diagnosed even by most experienced clinician.Hope to hear soon.Tq.
  • Kathy   Aug 21, 2015 10:32 PM
    Danah, you are not alone! I just had to do the very same thing, for the second time. I just stopped breastfeeding my 3 month old, to go back on Gilenya. It was much harder this time around because Violet, my second daughter, really GOT the whole latching and feeding thing, much better than her sister. It really stinks to be in our position. I logically understand and "get" why we're being better parents in making the decision to stop feedings and restart our meds. Yes, it is far more important that mommy can walk, or see, or [insert function that could potentially be robbed by our ms] and, I know formula is just as effective as breastmilk (see older daughter 😉). Although I know these things are true, it doesn't keep me from mourning the quiet midnight moments shared only by the two of us.
  • Bobby   Aug 24, 2015 9:51 PM
    Good Evening,
    My experience goes back to the 50s and 60s. I'm 66 now.
    My mother when she was about 30 or so was diagnosed with MS, that was in 1954.
    In those days it wasn't basically non treatable. It was up until her death Dec. 1969. The last 7 years of her life, she was in hospitals and other type of medical vacility. It was years of such sadness for our family.
    Her suffering and pain, I will never forget. It was painful to watch. I'm so grateful that today, having MS, most live a pretty active and full life.
    My best wishes and embrace those with MS.
    Bobby
  • Kristin   Aug 29, 2015 7:19 PM
    Dear Danah,
    Your letter to your daughter moved me. I, too was diagnosed with MS 5 weeks after I gave brith to my second son, Noah. I, too had to stop breastfeeding. I, too worry about my children and their future with my disease. Please know that we will find a cure and beat this.
    We, too will find peace and comfort.
    Sincerely,
    Kristin
    Diagnosed 2/2009
  • Lori   Aug 31, 2015 9:50 AM
    I too was diagnosed after my twins were six months old. They're now 12 years old and although I have guilty feelings about not being able to do the things I used to and an overwhelming sadness when I watch others take my place in activities, I am constantly reminded how lucky I am to have them in my life along with my supportive loved ones. These blessed children have had to learn over the years to be much more self sufficient then others their age. They have empathy for others, don't take things for granted, and are wonderfully adaptive to change. I often hear people say that having MS is a blessing. I wouldn't say I feel quiet that way, but much good is attributed to it for sure. I pray that you have many years of joy and happiness with your family. God bless.
  • Sandra Velez   Jan 28, 2016 9:55 PM
    Very touching story. I am a 56 yrs old female riding the BP MS 150 for the second time, I do not know any people with MS, except thru this source, all the stories are amazing and inspires me to continue doing what I like, riding my bicycle and hoping that one day they will be a word free of MS.
  • Kim   Jun 20, 2016 8:32 PM
    Danah, I have MS. I was diagnosed in 1996. I have had one relapse in 2003. I recovered. Now I have secondary progressive MS. I feel pretty lucky, But this year my life came tumbling down and I am trying to get this runaway freight train to slow down. I had a child in 2001 and everything turned out alright so far. You did a brave act. I know how hard it is as I also bread fed all of my children. I know the bond you have with your daughter and believe me that is still there. I wish you and your family the best of luck on the journey.