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  • Rich1007
    Hi Everyone,

    I need some suggestions.  I need to make some modications to my house (porch lift, grab bars in the bathroom, etc,) to make it easier and safer for me to get around but my wife gets very angry at me when I talk with her about making changes to the house and she will not emotionally support me doing this or partner with me to make the changes easier to accept. She seems to think doing anything to accomodate my MS is me just "giving in". 

    Anybody experienced this before from a family member?  I need to make these changes to make my life easier but its really hard to do when I know she doesn't support my efforts at all.

    Any strategies or approaches that work for you dealing with ignorant family members (wife/husband)?

  • bobby72
    to tell you the truth if it is for your safty I tell you what stop talking and just do it it your health and maybe after she will realize what a help it was and come around eventully or tell her if she don,t like tuff your not putting your saftty in jeperdy and get it done Im hate to sound harsh but ms is harsh and if she wont talk then as I say Do some women just want u to do it and not make a big dell about it as well ethere hopefully u are ok with this
  • Rich1007
    Sage advice Bobby...."If she dont like it then tuff" it.  Thank you!

  • mrs_pea
    1) I liked Bobby's idea: Just do it. Because a) it's necessary, b) would she prefer to deal with a predictable disaster to both you & her house?, c) as Bobby indicates, the less fuss & attention devoted to a contentious topic, the better.
    2) I loved Mitt Romney's attitude when his wife was showing symptoms--He said, we'll just put in an elevator or whatever you need. Maybe you can get her to watch that early interview with the Romneys when he was running because he's a good example of a supportive spouse.

    As a woman, I'd say, if you can swing it, just set things up & let her pick out the colors/finishes/aesthics since that's important to her. Women generally like men to be assertive. But you know her, & I'm divorced for a reason.

    She needs to understand that ms is by nature a progressive disease; willpower is not going to solve this. Safety first. Good luck.
  • maria1
    Hi Rich,  First, as others have said, plan to make the necessary modifications for your safety. Put it in writing so she can see it in black and white. This is what i plan on doing preferrably with your assistance or without, bars ,lift etc. The give her a day to assimilate and begin with or without her.

    Also, sometimes, getting out of peoples way, letting them be who they are and accepting who they are gives them the ability to change. Resistance causes persistence. When i resist making a fool of myself i usually make a fool of myself. Why i make it ok for me to make a fool of myself things usually go right, or i laugh with everyone laughing at me. Remember the operative word here is sometimes. maria

    Prevention is healthy, safety is less expensive than fixing something broken, thinking one is in jeopardy is energy better used elsewhere. Take really good care of yourself. Make the changes you think need changing.

     This year i finally said I was fixing the insulation in the house. Last year we had an icestorm that knocked out power for us for only 24hrs I was freezing and could not get up the driveway because the road was not ploughed for the handy person to come and plough the driveway.

    So I replaced the insulation in the attic up to the recommended level and insulated the duct work in the basement.  Right now it is 17 going to -3 tonite and i am very comfortable, and we have a cord of wood sitting in the basement incase the power goes out, 2 propane tanks outside for the grill. We didnt get a generator because we couldnt figure out in time what kind to buy. But so far this winter i am not of the feeling that i shall freeze this year like last year. But you know what they say about the best laid plans......giggle
  • Rich1007
    Great advice Maria.  Thank you.  Let you know what happens.  Hopefully it will have a positive outcome :)
  • avansgram
    My mother was and is the same way with me.  I finally realized that the reason she reacted the way she did, is because she was scared.  she felt that by leaving everything "normal" and not changing anything that I would be normal again.  That was her way of dealing with the fear she had for me.  I had her take the class ms 101 and do as much reading about ms as she could.  I think sometimes when our loved ones she us making the changes that we need to, there fear takes over and they automaticly think we are getting worse.  Sometimes I have to remind her that it just means that I am trying not to get worse.
  • dcyrdomiko1
    yep I can relate. Last night my husband said to me, see my cousin has MS, she’s not letting it stop her. While she’s riding in a wheelchair down a ski lift. Really?!!! 
    Wow! I’m sorry I’m having relapse after relapse. I’m sorry I was diagnosed with melanoma cancer 1 month after MS, I’m sorry I’m panicking bc I don’t know what is happening to me. I’m sorry that I need people around me. I’m sorry your friend offered to move in and help me and NOT look at my disease. 
    Ive never felt so small in my life. I’m sorry I got this! 
    Sorry im not strong enough. Until people walk in our shoes they need to zip it in my opinion! 
    If you need these items don’t ask just do it. She needs too understand if it’s going too help us with fatigue and other issues maybe then she’ll see how beneficial these things are. 
    So my point is’re not alone.