I find that learning the "science" behind MS as interesting food for thought.
My newest thoughts come full circle where my pent up anger and rage are concerned....some studies say this kinda anger is neurological and more prevelent in people with MS!? Hmmmmm.... interesting! sounds like a ground breaking study to start the search for making happy pills...lol....like coping with that is purely physical in nature. Wish it were that simple!!!
For me it is as simple as HOW do i, do others with MS, release this anger in healthy and safe ways? My MS has resulted in pent up anger because of situational validation, that usually involves invisible symptoms that my people who knew/know me pre-MS diagnosis have challenges navigating through on life's terms. For all involved it is heartbreaking, cunning, baffling and powerful kinda stuff. For me, there is no easy solution quick fix happy pill to repair my damages of MS.
For me, these relationships could have gone either way and provided less anger and confusion on how we all will get from here to there and play nice together. In my life i am judged by people that know people in earlier stages of MS than me. They can still hide their MS...denying almost its existence in their lives. It is more manageable, less scary and seemingly nonexistent.
I'm just curious about tips for practicing radical acceptance while traveling my road from here to there being newly diagnosed. I find the lack of validation and nonjudgemental dealings with others lacking, resulting in extreme and tremendous fear based pent up anger.....all driven by my MS diagnosis and what my MS looks like today. Who wishes to validate this kinda HE double hockey sticks that appears as but an inconvenience in all our lives!!??
Living one unpredictable moment at a time gives my fears less power when i can pull it off gracefully. I have plenty of problems today....love when it is as simple as point and click towards a solutions. Baby steps to forward motion and practice, practice, practice more i hear!!
For me, it has been three years. Unlike most stories I read on here, I only had symptoms for 2 weeks before diagnosis. Good in a way, I suppose, but I think it made it harder to accept. The ultimate blindside. At first I wanted people to get it and understand, eventually, I learned that doesn't happen. I have been married for 33 years. We have known each other, since we were 6 and 8. Even as much history as we have, he doesn't get it. To my mom, my biggest fan, it makes her too sad to talk about it. To my kids and grandkids, I am invincible. I keep my MS life to myself. When I am having a bad day, I come here. Usually all the validation I need. I also have an MS Pinterest board. When I need to, I pin like a crazy person, and then I let it go. Holding onto anger, serves no purpose. It doesn't change the situation and usually results in stress, which makes the symptoms worse. A vicious cycle that you will eventually learn to break.
When I first began to sculpt in stone it was said of my technique, bullsledging, I would slam the hammer so hard on the chisel that I would split the stone in half. Then I realized how much anger i had inside that was waiting to be released. Maybe it is my heritage but I express myself with my hands. How do you express yourself?
Believe it or not, I was always quiet, never spoke, my brain is/was not connected to my mouth, it goes directly to my hands.
Some people play an instrument. Channel that energy into something beautiful, turn the anger into something creative, the best revenge!
Marble is an interesting stone to work in, the very best, even touching a piece of marble is magic, it is touching a history, it is like the stone is alive. Every action of the hammer and the chisel on a piece of marble is like an electric connection to the past. Limestone is gritty like walking on a beach ion a windy day, all you do is taste the sand in your mouth. Brownstone is like chiseling into clay looking for history and all you find is more clay. Alabaster is soft, a little transparent and easy to work, sometimes you see an image in the stone that wants to be uncovered. African wonderstone can be sliced with a knife and shines with every cut.
Draw with a pencil, color with a crayon, make something out of a piece of wood. Use that energy dont waste it. All our fires burn out, use your fire to warm your heart. THEY dont matter, your limits dont matter, what you do with what you have is what counts. Go for it, even if you fail, it is the effort that counts. Do it for you.
Think about all the repetition in your life. Every day you do the same things over and over again, wash the face, brush the teeth, comb the hair, be in the moment and observe how you do those things. Do you skim the brush over the teeth or do you pay attention to each tooth. When you wash your face, do you rinse all the soap off or do you splash some water around and wipe the soap off with the towel. Do you know who you are, the things you do without thinking, or are you conscious of every action, moment you have. Sure you wont remember in five minutes from now, but are you in the moment, living the moment, in the now. There is no other time, validate the moment.
I don't get much, if any validation in my life as far as MS goes. I was just diagnosed at the end of July of this year as you can read from my story on here. I got a little sympathy from my mom when she first learned of my diagnosis and she's also the one who drove me to the hospital to have the spinal tap that would solidify my MS diagnosis. However, since then she hasn't been much of any support and as a retired nurse, I would of hoped she'd have more of a sense of compassion. In fact often if I slur my words or she can't understand what I am saying, she will mock me for it. She doesn't seem to take MS seriously, not to mention her and I never have gotten along. She acts as if, now that I have MS I have become a bigger burden on her then I was before. Also, a few of my relatives have all but stopped communication with me since my diagnosis. Also a former coworker of mine, who I had been keeping in touch with via email, hasn't even responded once since I told him of my diagnosis of MS. Seems cold hearted and seems out of character for these people, I just don't get it but I am not in their heads or hearts. I couldn't turn my back on a family member or a friend who was suffering, but apparently so many can. I don't always have the most constructive ways of dealing with the anger that builds up, for example I have excoriation disorder of the scalp (I pick and claw at my scalp till it bleeds sometimes) when I am stressed or just out of boredom. On a positive note, I have recently started seeing a mental health therapist and she seems nice. Also I am on a two month wait list for a psychiatrist. I use music often to relieve stress too, music is a great release for me.
Chief Sitting Bull (1831-1890) Hunkpapa Lakota Leader said:
Inside me are two dogs. one is mean and evil and the other is good and they fight each other all the time. When asked which one wins I answer, the one I feed the most.
Our anger! I think it is always there. You need to find an outlet - something to take your mind off of it. Whether it is going for a run, knitting or crocheting, painting, bowling, engaging others to play tennis with you, going to church, praying, or just sitting and thinking. Engage yourself in something. Let us know how things are going.