Search Discussions

Main Content

  • waltzing_matilda

    My husband is a manly man, and that has always been a source of conflict in my marriage.  He expected me to move in and be his mother - to cook, clean, mend, sew, all of that "women's work" stuff that just doesn't interest me.  We met late in life.  I was a feminist and a career woman.  I owned my own home.  I had taken care of myself for decades. I travelled all over the world by myself. I was courageous and competent.

    When he asked me to share my life with him I decided I would only do it if it did not change my values and identity. There were a few red flags early on, which I chose to ignore.  As soon as I moved in he told his housekeeper that he didn't need her any more.  His dad made comments about me hanging clothing on a line in our basement.  But I maintained my focus on my work and my self-actualization.

    Every thing was OK while I was working, but now that I'm on disability that's no longer true.  My husband encouraged me to go on disability. He said he was worried that the stress of my job would cause my disease to progress. As it turns out he had other reasons for me to stop working outrside our home.  He thought I would trade my work for the work he wanted me to do - housework.

    No work is no work.  Housework is work.  If I can't work; I can't do housework.  That's pretty simple isn't it?

    I fell in the kitchen while unloading the dishwasher.  I thought that incident would prove my point and get him to see reality.  He's a bit too thick-headed for that.  He still whines every time he has to wash out a cup.  My stress level is through the roof.  It's all attributable to him.  Sometimes I think that I would be healthier if I got away from him and his whining.

    I hate being in this position.  I love him.  When I committed to be with him for keeps; I meant it. My recent change in health status has shown me just how precious every single day of life is.  I'm unhappy.  There is no reason for me to spend the rest of my brief and precious life feeling this way.  Increasing the dose of my antidepressant is not a useful suggestion.  Love isn't supposed to hurt, nor is it supposed to require pharmaceutical intervention.

    I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.

    Thanks for reading/listening.

  • jim603
    I dont think it has anything to do with him being a man!

    What you said is exactly how and what my wife thinks,

    So it sounds like your partner just does not understtand where you are at right now.
    My wife will say "What could you of possibly done all day" when I first stoped working she wanted me to make her dinner but it had to low cal low carb , it was stressing me out so much i got worse.

    What I think , your partner sees you the same and does not take into consideration your MS, I have fallen 3 times once all I remember is being under the kitchen table shakeing. I did not tell my wife untill I told My Dr  because I didnt want any more stress...
  • april9517
    I'm not married, but I was having a similar problem with my boyfriend. He just wasnt understanding where i was coming from. I think it's important to communicate what you're feeling. it sounds like he doesnt completely understand what it is you feel and are going through. I actually got a book that has a lot of FAQ's and explanations of what day to day life is for those of us with MS and i asked my bf to read it. He did, and he definitely understands more and is helping more. Its hard for people to understand invisible symptoms. I explain my fatigue as me being prisoner in my body, i want to do things and I plan on doing things but Im paralyzed in my body screaming with this overwhelming and debiliatiing fatigue. In the end, sometimes you do have to be "selfish" and put you first, especially when it comes to your health. stress is so important to avoid with MS. Its a hard decision and nobody can make it for you. If you are feeling unhappy and he just isn't getting it and in the end youre suffering even more than you have to be, you have to make a decision of whats right and best for you. 
  • golgotha
    My apologies for not addressing your core concern, but this caught my attention:

    I actually got a book that has a lot of FAQ's and explanations of what day to day life is for those of us with MS...

    Care to let us know the name/source of that book? And possibly a quick review/summary? TIA.
  • Chrissyny
     I'm sorry for your situation. I do read your anger and helplessness. My  husband and I, married 15 years and together 15 years. I cannot believe after ALL THIS TIME,  I finally went to a therapist, she recommended that I bring my husband in to discuss some things. Long story short we were so not communicating with each other. I don't even know how to fight with him, it was all anger and just shouting over him. Now I know at least  The effort is there to try to discuss it or realize the effect of a certain situation might have on you, which is causing stress and then anger, and then you don't want to resent him after all this.  
     it was such a huge relief to have some things open for discussion, which before we need when discuss it was just barking at each other. Things are not  all lovey-dovey now, but it's just a better feeling to talk to each other, sometimes things don't get resolved but there's less stress and anger and tension involved. Not to mention a better night sleep.  I cannot afford to go to bed angry, wake up angry, have a bad day, it's a vicious cycle and it's so where is your down. If not for your marriage, do it for yourself, you're stronger and smarter and resourceful than you think. 👍👍👍👍👍🙂
  • waltzing_matilda
    This is a good suggestion.  Unfortunately my husband has made it clear on many occassions that he is not open to it.