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  • railguy57
    Hello Everyone,
    I am very new here. I would like to know if other's spouses have had bad depression and how it has affected their marriage? 
    My wife has MS and has bad depression and has said she feel she doesn't contribute to the house like she wants. Lately I've found she has been very distant and seems to be pushing me away,( we've had issues with her saying i don't give her enough affection) which i still did but not enough for what she needs. And has said she wasn't sure she wants to stay married, but if i try to give her any affection she says I'm smothering her. Is this a common issue with people that have MS? I'm trying to understand what my wife is going through and only try to help.
    I love my wife and don't want to lose her and I've always told her no matter how bad her symptoms get I am noth the type to leave her.
  • beaurylancambria
    I was that way in the beginning. I wanted to push him away before he could do it to me. MS is so much more mental than physical. You have always been equals, partners. Her fear is that will change. Be patient, if you are new to this, I'm sure she is as well. Try to treat her like you did before. She probably just wants her normal back.
  • railguy57
    She has had this for about 4 yrs now, she has tried to do some of the same things as she did before but most she has a hard time or she gets extremely tired and needs to rest.The intamacy has pretty much all but gone now, not sure if that has anything to do with MS. 
    It's frustrating not being able to help and only get pushed away.
  • MS_Navigators
    Hi railguy57,

    I'm glad you found us- though I'm sorry for what brought you here.  Depression is a pretty common MS symptom, among many emotional and possible cognitive changes, unfortunately.  Does she have emotional support, like a counselor, support group? Has she discussed her depression with her doctor? There are some effective treatments for MS related depression (and depression in general).  What support do you have? Counseling may sure benefit both of you.  Feel free to call us to chat- 1 800 344 4867, option 1.  

  • railguy57
    My wife does not like to open up to anyone. She has told me she feels depressed and has alot of anxiety. But she doesn't want to see a doctor, so it makes it hard for me to do anything. Feels like myhands are tied. 
  • maria1
    "she doesnt contribute like she wants" is a significant statement it is akin to men having to be the provider.  We all have an image of our roles in life and when we do not fulfill those pictures there is an emptiness that needs a new definition. knowing the ways that she does contribute to the relationship is important, just you being here and smiling makes me feel alive, it is not important for laundry to be done everyday, we can go out to eat more often because i want your company more than your cooking, holding your hand makes me feel alive, sitting next to you puts a smile on my face. 

    ​Redefining who i am with ms is always a challenge, replacing the new with the who i was, was a task. All the chores i use to do sorta was a definition of who i was, and was a misconception. We all contribute in different ways, but we never see that. We say, i am suppose to do this, clen, cook, shop, sew, etc to make our life better, when in fact, allowing others to contribute and just being there to share in the moments is more valueable. But we all are indoctrinated with what society has said is valueable.

    ​I always reflect about old people(like me, giggle) who do 'nothing', what do we contribute, must be something because the young have not killed us all off? our lives are better with these others in it and communicating how our lives are made better is relevant so we get to erase the images of who we should be get erased.

    ​Also, she, your wife, needs to begin to replace what she use to do with other things, but she has as yet not found out what that should be. Maybe taking a course on line, an old hobby, something she can do to make her time feel worthwhile. Writing, drawing, singing, listening to music, baking, crochet, knit, reading? Resparking is tough, it is like getting laid off and trying to figure out a new job or how to restart the engine. Maybe she needs flowers, or ballons or a trip to an amusement park or museum. Was there something you did together way back when that you both loved that you can do again, that you ahvent done in a while? Camping, giggle.

    Also, it is all so unimportant and we forget that, how we spend our minutes that make us feel good is what counts, the rest is just life. We oftentimes remember what we must do, not what brings joy into our lives, the joy is all that makes living worthwhile. 
  • norcamp
    Maria1 that was a very good, well thought out reply.  I, too, get depressed because I feel like I'm not contributing enough and it gets me cranky.  I feel out of control and it's very frustrating.  I try to stay busy doing what I can do, even though my options are more limited.  That's a whole other thing making me feel more depressed and out of control.
  • railguy57
    Thank you for the reply, I try to do the samethings I've always done but it she says i don't. I try to cook more of the meals, laundry ect so she doesn't get to tired and get all the pain associated with ms. But it seems I can't do anything right in her eyes.
  • maria1
    cook together, hang out in the kitchen together, clean up the mess together. You cant save her. Enjoy her. There is nothing more important than the relationship. Let her know what YOU are feeling. Tell her what you are telling us, ask her for help, ask her what to do or how to do it to make it work.

    ​one of my favorite lines is from a beegees song: 'I am a woman in love and i will do anything to get you into my world and keep you within, it is a right I defend, over and over again...'

    keep fighting for what you want
  • sunnyydv27
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