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  • beth19
    Some one I love dearly has been diagnosed with MS about one year ago ... they have become defeated not doing anything they are suppose to be doing to help the situation.  As a concerned family member could someone please help me motivate them to help themself?!?!  I am at a loss watching this person's symptoms get worse over time and standing helpless on the sideline while they do nothing to help themself.  This person has totally lost who they are and has no fight to get thier life back ... any suggestions to a motivator to help them get thier life back on track????  Keeping in mind I have said everything I could possibly think of to help the situation. 
    Please help me cope with a defeated attitude my family and I would greatly appreciate any advice on the subject. Thank you
  • maria1
    Anon... Since you say you have said and tried everything I am offering my suggestion. Consider metting with this family member to plan for their end of life. Discuss with the person, or ask questions like. do you have a will, does it provide for the disposal of your property, provision for care of children. What do you want done with your car. Do you want to be cremated. Meet with this person and conduct yourself as if they are in fact dying, also ask if they want hospice called now. Perhaps if you present yourself(maybe even wear some black) with that seriousness it may be the impetus necessary to jolt the wheels into motion. Since you have tried everything else.......
  • Pharmdog
    maria1 wrote: Anon... Since you say you have said and tried everything I am offering my suggestion. Consider metting with this family member to plan for their end of life. Discuss with the person, or ask questions like. do you have a will, does it provide for the disposal of your property, provision for care of children. What do you want done with your car. Do you want to be cremated. Meet with this person and conduct yourself as if they are in fact dying, also ask if they want hospice called now. Perhaps if you present yourself(maybe even wear some black) with that seriousness it may be the impetus necessary to jolt the wheels into motion. Since you have tried everything else.......


         WOW!!!

         Look, I'm new here, so if you or anyone else feels I'm out of line, say so. 

         In any other disease diagnosis, like cancer, there is a period of adjustments very similar to the stages of grief.  Unlike most diseases, MS, like TBI and PTSD, carries the added weight that it can also CAUSE Severe Depression.  Maria, what rattled me about your suggestion is that if someone tried that, it is more likely to cause the depressed individual to think, “everyone wants me gone”, and they will try to suicide.

       
    PD
  • MS Navigator Jess
    Good morning,

    Your family member is sure lucky to have you!  Unfortunately, as with anything else.. it's almost impossible to evoke change in someone that's not wanting it.  Here in the call center, we take calls from people the day they are diagnosed to decades after a diagnosis.  Everyone seems to go through the process of having an MS diagnosis differently, and none of them are 'wrong'.  I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating and painful to watch, but you're doing everything that you can.  If you'd like some literature or support for YOU, please know that you can call us to speak with an MS Navigator.  We are here for everyone affected by MS.

    Jess

    1 800 344 4867
  • sadieklar
    I'm sure you know that a common symptom of MS is depression.  Has this person talked to their doctor about the possibility of them being depressed?  (I'm no doctor, but a "defeated" attitude sure seems like depression).  If they're on medication for this, they should still talk to their doctor.   As a loved one, all you can do is love and support this person.  It may not seem like "much" but it makes all the difference!  Let them know that you are there for them.  You say that they "do nothing to help themself."  Are they avoiding medications and not visiting their neurologist/ doctor?  Or is it more of a mental standpoint?  Giving up?

    If you're looking to help a bit further... do you know anything the loved one used to like to do?  Gardening, visit a book store, shop, canoe?  Think of something (that they are able to do--consider walking abilities, fatigue, etc) and take them out for a day.  Maybe it will help them realize that MS should not take over their life.  MS does not define who someone is-- keep living.


  • dirtrunnin
    this sounds too familiar. my girlfriend, or i should say ex, has not been on any treatment for almost 1 1/2 years. she keeps postponing her appointments with her neurologist. she takes a mild antidepressant, but denies being depressed. she went to her rheumitologist for some "new" pains, and he told her that he is certain that she has developed lesions on her spine. but when i tried to tal;k with her about it, she just blew it off. she keeps going thru these mood swings, almost like she could be bipolar, where she pushes me away, and a month or so later, pulls me back in. just dont know what to do. and her family apparently cant see that there might be a problem, and they will not talk to me.
  • nenebird54

    I think I was depressed for the first two years. But after getting out of the fog, I had done alot of research. I added some supplements - N-Acetyl Glucosamine, Rx - Low Dose Naltrexone, Vitamin D...vitamins. exercise and REFLEXOLOGY!!!.

     

    Reflexology has helped me immensely. Unfortunatley, going through a divorce and don't have funds for it right now.

     

    But I also am take Effexor XR 75 mg before the Affair/Divorce started, now 225 mg going through the divorce. Have felt suicidal once. His family who I thought loved me, piled on, blaming me. So that was a bit much. But my counselor, and sister pulled me back from the edge.

     

    But get him into a doctor, an MS group and get him exercising. Swimming is a great exercise for MS because the water keeps you from overheating. Walking short distances if he can, doing light weight just watching TV. But get him moving....

     

    I have already felt it is worse being the spectator than the patient. So I feel for you. Hang in there. Prayers.

  • maria1

    It is now 2015 and I still think what I wrote in 2012 is a viable solution, "when everything they have tried has failed".  Putting one's life in order is a grown up way of living. We all die, and preparing for the inevitable is necessary, it is in fact - planning for the future.

    When I was in unbearable pain and no one was offering any relief I tried to end it all, and failed. Turns out, the md who was treating me told me to cut my dosage of zoloft in half  for two weeks then stop it all together. I was on 100mg daily. It was supposed to be stoped in a tapering dosage. The affect was probably as bad as anyone getting off drugs cold turkey. And then I wound up in a nut house and was treated as badly there. Lucky for me my partner got me out 'before I went crazy'. It is not an easy task to perform. living is easier, albeit at time painful.

    Most adults plan for end of life- as they age they shed the no longer necessary things that they have accumulated in life, they clean the attic, the basement, the garage. It is part of writing the last chapter.

    Persons who go into hospice sometimes plan when to end it, with assistance, why do we not have a right to end our suffering, when in fact is enough, enough. Do we have the right to reject the quality of our life? When we are in an abusive environment do we not laud those who are strong enough to leave it? When we see someone whom we love dearly, suffering, do we not wish for their suffering to end soon. 

    And, when one begins to prepare for the end of life they discover there is more work for them to do, that their work is not finished. 

    I always thought that I would die at age 47, and in fact part of me did, that was when I had a major exacerbation and was finally diagnosed with ms. I was waiting for a bolt of lightning to put my lights out, and I did nothing but wait for the end.

    Soon I will turn 68 and for the past two years i have been working toward the end of life, putting my life in order, so the kids won't have to clean up my mess. There is a living will, a final will, a power of attorney and more than twenty years ago I willed my body to science so no money will be spent to dispose of my body. Now the toughest thing to do is go through all the papers the government has required of me, to figure out what is time to throw away and what to save. We no longer have a housekeeper so we are packing up everything we can to make it easier to keep the house clean. There are boxes labelled in the basement, ready for auction or inheritance, which ever our heirs choose. And still there is plenty of 'things' to do and to sort through, and we are only living here ten years, 

    My cousins lived in their home 45 years before they moved, imagine what they had to go through to get out of there!

    When my mother died my sister shipped me a half a dozen boxes of papers, and pictures to go through, she had already culled plenty. It took me nearly two years to sort through. My baby shoes we cute, and stuff I colored in kindergarten. I got the pile down to three boxes which are finally in the basement. Amongst the stuff we the letters my father sent to my mother during WWII when he was in the army. I started reading them and found them so valueable I transcribed them on to my blog online, they are being read all over the world.

    So again, even if a person is depressed and is willing to end it all, for the sake of those left behind it would be helpful if they did not leave them also a mess to clean up. And it also gets them to be really clear about their intentions, instead of hanging on the line in limbo.

    Even thou I was in a drugged induced suicide attempt I do not regret what I did at the time, I got to see professions look down upon me and judge me harshly for what i had done, and I also saw that they were wrong. That they believed that their god whom they worshipped had only given me as much pain as I could tolerate, was wrong, i had reached my limit of tolerance, and I had had enough and wanted out, i was no longer a glutton for punishment.

    For the past couple of years I have asked my brain to answer two questions, and as yet have not had a reply: How do I describe sound to someone who can not hear? How do I describe color to someone who can not see? [honing my communication skills is taking a lifetime, sincerely, maria

     

  • jdlott
    I  just joined this support website and I too am going through the same situation with my spouse.  I have tried various  things as well.  I feel that it is a war that I cannot win.  Sometimes I feel as if I have to deal with her as if she is a child.  That is totally demeaning for her and I as well.
  • maria1
    You can lead by example, take responsibility for your life and let your partner take responsibility for her/his life. Allowing you partner to be who they are is more important than trying to fix what is going on. Losing independence and autonomy is a paralyzing experience. Try putting on a blindfold and move around your home, it is the same thing. Just love your partner, woo your partner as if you just met. Courtship is a sweet part of romance that is always enticing. Enjoy every moment as if it is the last. Living in the moment makes things seem less important and overwhelming. Charm your partner into being with you, messy, clean, whatever. Forget(as if you can) the ms and romance the night away, not with sex, with sweetness. 

    Being dependent is an awful transition to make until we realize someone has to be dependent and someone has to be dependent upon, just like someone is the speaker and someone is the listener. Changing hats is difficult, all change is difficult and we all do it at our own pace.

    If you quiet your mind you can hear the sound of peace.