To begin the very not so Funny part of the story; the morning I woke up & couldn't feel my legs was the same morning my husband & his friends had sunk a boat in the pacific ocean & floated around for hours almost died, I couldn't call and tell him! Its kind of our own anniversary now.
On to my story, 2011 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis MS. It was life shattering! Though I knew in my heart by the time I was actually diagnosed the diagnosis I would receive.
I remember after the battery of tests sitting in the Neurologists office with my husband. The Dr was great he gave his opinion offered suggestions of how he would treat it…. I remember I felt like I was floating above the room looking down on the 3 of us listening, watching the whole process. I was scared as hell I even recall him giving us a moment to take it in. I knew, I already decided my diagnosis.
I remember it clearly it was right before my 36th birthday…. I don't remember that birthday or the one after?
Initially I was "gung ho" my husband & I raised thousands of dollars to raise awareness for the first 3 years to the National MS Society. The first year was great, everyone was attentive everyone called everyone was concerned and donated. It stopped pretty abruptly & I certainly do not blame anyone, we all do it, I have done it, it is human nature.
I fell into the worst depression of my life, I felt so alone. I was so afraid of the NOT knowing. Not knowing if I would see when I opened my eyes, would I feel my feet when they touched the floor, could I walk? Can I breath effortlessly today, can I feel my limbs, am I on fire and my favorite; were the pins & needles going to attack today?
I drank daily; I drank to pass out just to sleep to keep from the anxiety away just to numb it all
I just had to sleep & I couldn't sleep unless I passed out. The anxiety & fear of closing my eyes & NOT knowing what the new day would bring was unbearable.
I know now the not knowing with this disease IS THE WORST PART of it all!
What will tomorrow bring…. it’s always the big question.
We did the walks we raised the money I was depressed over the things that had NOT yet happened my life fell apart, I fell apart.
Finally February of 2014 I had my awaking, due to some self induced circumstances I realized I needed to change for me.
And my life did change!
I had been working out but drinking nightly, I cut back finally…
I had gone to a specialist for my thyroid back in January of 2014 amazing things were happening. Restored energy happiness wow people with MS can feel good?
By June I was trying to clean myself up & seeing results of my efforts slowly.
At that point we had to put my mother in law whom was like my own in a rehab center. The stress of seeing her sudden decline of health and my husband falling apart took its toll on me. I was trying to support our family like I had never done, but it didn't seem to help. I would drink occasionally but it would make me feel bad, I had to change I had to change for me this time something had to be different in my life!
I would not fail me this time!!
Soon despite our efforts she was in a retirement facility. I could feel the distance between my husband and myself it was tearing me apart.
By October of 2014 I had managed to drop 40 plus pounds I was working out regularly 4 days a week and feeling for the first time that I liked me, I was completely sober re discovering who I was
I continued this path but soon felt the pain of losing the woman I considered my own parent, and seeing just how distant my relationship with my husband had become.
I would have to say I am proud of me. For the first time in my life I went through what I would consider the worst part of my 41 years, even worse than my diagnosis I did it myself and completely sober. For the first time, sadly, I felt like I was worthy, I felt like I was good enough, I was deserving enough.
I knew at that point that there was a destined path for me, there is for all of us, we just have to find that place inside of us. Finally I found that and I had to do what was right for me. So that is what I did!
I am proud to say I am 80 pounds down now every day I am blessed enough to feel my feet touch the floor is an amazing new adventure! I will do my best to be thankful and I will do my best to continue my journey in a positive place and hope that I can help others do the same.